Five Times Jim Was An Idiot
by I'llLightUpTheSky4You
Summary: We all know that Jim is a genius and an idiot. Mostly the latter. This is recalling five times when he was an idiot, and the one time it saved the ship.
1. Speak of the Devil

**Author's Note: Yay, my first fic! I got this idea from my friend, NrdyGrlOfStarTrek; she's awesome, go check out her stuff. Anyway, reviews and constructive criticism are not necessary, but I would really appreciate it.** **By the way, I don't have a beta, so the mistakes are mine.**

**Summary: ** **We all know that Jim is a genius and an idiot. Mostly the latter. This is recalling five times when he was an idiot, and the one time** **it** **saved the ship.**

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**Snathos II: 2260.5**

"You just had to choose the planet called 'Snathos.' Snathos! Doesn't that make you think of any cold-blooded, slithery creatures back home?" Bones was interrogating the young captain, while attempting to wriggle free of his bonds. He looked over his shoulder at Jim, who was slumped over in defeat and saying nothing. Bones sighed as he looked around at the remaining crew of the landing party. Hendorff lay sprawled in a corner, blood seeping from a head wound that he got from trying to resist. Sulu sat with his head leaning against a wall with the right arm of his shirt pulled off. Nyota looked like she was meditating - probably something that she got from Spock. And then there was Spock. He had been taken during the first part of the ambush.

_That's pretty weird considering his Vulcan strength, _thought Bones. He groaned as he thought about all the times that Spock had bested that Vulcan strength was superior.

"Would you keep it down Bones? We don't need to hear you orgasm. It's bad enough that I had to be your roommate for three years. I'm trying to think." Bones laughed as he heard Jim speak for the first time since Spock got captured. And of course it was in his usual, cocky voice.

"Dammit Jim. If anybody should be keeping it down, it's you. Do you know how many times I've wanted to go home and just take a nap, but I couldn't because you've had a girl in our _shared_ room? Sometimes even multiple? It has got to be in the thousands already."

"Nah, Bones. It's only been 231 girls. Oh but number 34 and her sister were great. Also Gaila. Man, I need to talk to her soon. I hope she's not pissed at me."

"She is. Trust me." Bones craned his head to see that Nyota was facing towards Jim and Bones.

"What was that beautiful?" Jim just couldn't shut up. Even when he was tied.

"I said that Gaila is pissed with you. And don't forget, while you may be my superior, you may not call me 'beautiful' as a nickname. I'm with Spock now. And so, stop. We don't..." By the time Nyota had stopped talking, everyone could see that she was becoming flustered. She had cut off her sentence and was staring at the ground as if it might swallow her whole. But as quickly as her face became clouded, it cleared just as fast. She started to speak again. "Bones is right. I still remember that time when you were hiding under Gaila's bed and I heard you breathing. I also remember you trying to hit on me in your underwear."

"I was not the only one who had on lack of clothing." Nyota's face started to turn red. "I distinctly remember you wearing awhite..." Bones was just about to cut him off but was beat to the punch when Spock rushed into the room clothed in a red business suit carrying a black goat. Everyone stared at Spock in shock as he handed everyone a knife and proceeded to cut loose a still unconscious Hendorff.

Without turning around, he spoke over his shoulder, "The 'snakes,' as they like to be called, have some very strange customs. They believed that I was the 'noramani,' which means devil in their language."

"What's up with the goat? Do they think that it's an implement of evil?" By the silence in the room, Kirk gathered that he was correct in his joking. "Did you happen to grab a communicator?" Spock nodded and handed one to a newly freed Kirk. "Scotty?"

"Aye, Captain. I'm here."

"Scotty, beam us up. Hurry, we don't know when these snake people will realize that Spock's gone." Jim silently thanked Scotty as he felt the transporter beams around him. Once they were safely aboard the ship, Jim started to yell out orders to the crew gathered in the transporter room. "Bones, you and Ensign Hanley get Hendorff to med bay. Uhura, you go and listen for any weird messages. Also, send out a message to Starfleet that they should not go to Snathos II. For any reason. Mr. Sulu, you and Chekov go get us out of here as fast as you can." Once everyone cleared out and only Spock and Kirk were left, Jim turned to Spock and sighed.

"Are you feeling well Captain?" Spock stared at Jim and tilted his head and then looked over Jim's shoulder. Kirk turned around and saw Nyota standing in the doorway.

"I have to go. I might have embarrassed your girlfriend while we were down on the planet. See ya." Kirk rushed out of the room as Nyota walked over to Spock.

"I believe that the captain is frightened by you. Or rather what you might do to him." Spock raised his eyebrow as Nyota lightly kissed Spock on the cheek.

"Don't worry. I'll only make him squirm for a little while. Although, I will enjoy it."

"I believe that the captain made the wrong choice in coming to this planet."

"You can say that again."

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**Okay, I'm not really proud of the ending, but I was having writer's block, so this is what I came up with. I forgot to mention. None of these people belong to me. Except Ensign Hanley. If there actually is an Ensign Hanley, then that is really weird. By the way, I will try to update these as quickly as possible, but I get writer's block easily so I will try my best. **


	2. Quit Bugging Me

**I'm back. I was so happy to see that I had gotten a lot of views. Remember, I don't have a beta, so reviews are welcome and helpful. I'm going to try this in** **speech alone. Please tell me if this sucks.**

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"Bones, you look freakin' hysterical! I think the stripes really suit you."

"God dammit, Jim; I'm a wasp, and you're astink bug. How do you explain that?!"

"I believe Doctor McCoy is correct in his question. How did you cause us to turn into different members of the insecta family?"

"Same here. How the hell did you turn me into a swallowtail butterfly?!"

"I think you still look as beautiful as ever, Nyota."

"Aww. Thank you, Sulu. You look pretty good for a... a Japanese beetle? Wait, a Japanese beetle? Isn't that a little ironic? I mean, you actually are Japanese. "

"I think your analysis is accurate, Nyota."

"Where are you Spock? I can't see you."

"I am right next to you. I appear to be a 'stick bug.'"

"Well now that you're done with yourdamn analysis, can we figure out a way to get us back to human form? I would like to get back to sick bay."

"Did you just say what I think you said Bones?Did you say that you want to get back to sick bay? Man. If only I had this on video."

"Somebody, please figure out a way to fix us. I want to get back to the bridge. I bet Chekov is worried sick about us."

"Jim. You're the one who turned us into bugs. You try to fix it."

"That would be unnecessary, Doctor. I have already reversed to polarity in the machine that turned us into insects. We should be back to normal in 3.5 seconds."

"You did it Spock! You fixed us! I'm going to the comm station. Adios."

"I'm going to sick bay. I may hate the place, but right now, I miss it."

"Captain. Am I to believe that you turned us into insects by accident? It seems very unlikely that this is the case."

"You're right, Spock. I was with this girl, and she told me to make an outrageous wish. So, I wished that we were bugs. Pretty stupid, huh?"

"I believe the expression is, 'you don't know the half of it.'"

"Yeah, well I better get back up to the bridge. Say hi to Uhura for me."

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**Okay, so I realize that I took FOREVER to update. And I'm sorry. This has made me come to the conclusion that I should try to do a weekly update. That way, I don't upset people when I don't add more chapters every day. By the way, none of these characters belong to me. Only the idea. **


	3. You Make Me Sick

**Author's Note: Thanks to all who reviewed and liked. I now have a beta, so I won't have that many mistakes. This came to me when I was on the bus, and I found a container of Cheez-Its. I don't have any clue why it was there, but it gave me the inspiration for this one. Hope you like it. :D**

**Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. They all belong to Gene Roddenberry, J.J. Abrams, and Paramount Pictures.**

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**San Francisco: 2260.64**

All was going well at the reunion for the Captains of all the starships. Captains Kory Mane and Clark Ryan were having fun watching a drunk Captain Oliver Holmes hit on the young Ava Maleen, Captain of the Starship Hogan. Captains Millie Ross and Joseph Ross were sneaking off into the hallway to do the obvious activity. All of the captains were having a great time conversing and sharing jokes and stories. Of course, all of the First Officers were also there. They were always invited to keep their Captains in check and to integrate into the society of Captains, as they one day might become should their captains pass on.

Everything would have been perfect, if Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise hadn't suggested that everyone play Truth or Dare. All of the younger captains, and even some of the older, crowded around Jim as he spun a bottle and watched as it landed on Clark Ryan.

"I dare you to... have Ava put lipstick on you. Without using her hands." Everyone looked from Clark to Jim, then back to Clark again.

They watched as he walked up to Ava and said, "Would you do me the honors?"

Nearly everyone howled with laughter as Ava stood up from the chair she was sitting on and kissed Clark square on the lips. Oliver Holmes frowned as he saw Clark get the attention from Ava that he wanted. When Clark walked back over, he was accompanied with a smirk that could only be described as a _Jim Kirk_ smirk. After everyone quieted down a bit, Clark spun the bottle and nearly snorted when it landed on Commander Spock.

"This'll be a hard one," said Clark. After a moment of thinking, he snapped his fingers and got a mischievous smile on his face. "I dare you to have your girlfriend, if she's here, shave your legs."

Spock raised his eyebrow, as if to ask the question _why_, but Clark just shoved off Spock's protests and said, "I'm the one asking the dares. I'm also a Commanding Officer and have a larger jurisdiction then you. Now get to it."

Just at that moment, Uhura walked over, looking rather drunk. Technically, a lot of people were drunk, but nobody said anything. She reached into the bag hanging over her shoulder and pulled out a razor and shaving cream. She then grabbed Spock's arm and dragged him into the nearest bathroom. From inside, there were noises of protest and Uhura telling Spock not to be a big baby. When they came out, everyone crowded around Spock in hopes of seeing his legs. Clark pushed through everyone, and once he was in front of Spock, he reached down and stroked his legs. When he stood up, he had a huge smile on his face. Clark nearly choked on his laughter as he stated that Spock's legs were "smoother than a baby's bum."

"I would prefer not to participate in this activity anymore. Should you need me, I shall be elsewhere." Spock directed this at Kirk and watched as his grin faded into a frown.

"But who will spin the bottle for you?"

"I will." Jim turned around to see Nyota spin the bottle and followed the movement as it stopped at him. "I dare you, Jim Kirk, to eat whatever is in your pockets right now. If it's edible."

Nyota waited as Jim scrounged around in his pockets for a moment before pulling out a bag that contained some type of food that was orange colored. She watched in horror as he popped one of the things in his mouth and swallowed without even chewing. Uhura raised her hand to her mouth as Jim emptied the bag in no time flat. Just as Kirk was about to say something, he threw his hand up to his mouth and rushed over to a trash can. He emptied the contents of his stomach quickly and stood up, wiping the leftover bile from his mouth.

"_What the hell was that?_" Nyota asked in Vulcan - her later excuse being that she is a xenolinguist and she forgot herself - then repeated in English.

"That," Kirk stated, "was a bag of Cheez-Its, that have been in my pocket for a while. Don't ask me how long. I don't know." Jim easily turned the conversation in Uhura's direction. "Wait. Why did you have a razor and shaving cream in your bag? And why are you here?"

"To answer your first question, you never know when you will have to shave. Besides, with you, an away mission that's supposed to last a couple of hours can turn into a couple of days. Remember that time when you got us stranded on that planet that affected your hair growth? Not a good thing to repeat." Nyota paused, catching her breath before continuing. "And to your second question, Spock invited me. He said that there would be a lot of different cultures here and I'm a xenolinguist. Do you think I'm going to pass up that offer? So why did you have you have a bag of Cheez-Its in your pocket?"

"Let's just say that I was an idiot. Besides, I'm going to get enough torment from Bones when I get back to the ship."

"I feel sorry for you. I'll try to get Spock to have Dr. McCoy not give you too many hypos. I know that McCoy will probably give you one to make your hangover not be too bad, one to make sure that you didn't get yourself infected with anything from that bag of Cheez-Its, and probably one for a random reason, such as you forgot to go to your check-up."

"Thanks. That may be the nicest thing you have ever done for me."

"Oh, don't push it. _Captain_."

When Kirk got back to the ship later that night, he was happy to find out that Spock had convinced Bones to only give Jim two hypos. He luckily didn't include Spock or Uhura in anymore Truth or Dare games.

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**OH MY GOD! It's been more than TWO whole fracking weeks since I last updated. I am so sorry. I was busy with school ending and with my other 5 stories. Also, I was having total writer's block. Good thing is, school finished, so I will try to update sooner. Thanks for those who have not given up on me. Live Long and Prosper.**


	4. Are You Really That Stupid?

**Author's Note: Well. School's finished, and I'm enjoying my break. Family's here, so I don't have as much time to write. Sorry about that. I'm trying to finish this story, but I'm having some writer's block. This chapter has been a really pain in the *$. Just to tell you, the chapter has quite a bit of swears. Unfortunately, I don't speak Russian or Scottish (not sure what it's called) so if my phrasing is off... don't blame me. Read and enjoy. :P **

**Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. Only the idea. The characters all belong to Gene Roddenberry, J.J. Abrams, and Paramount Pictures. **

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Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy were surprised when they both got a call from Rec. Room 3, saying that there were two people fighting and they were not listening to anyone or going to stop fighting anytime soon. Spock normally wouldn't immerse himself in these types of issues, but both McCoy and Nyota practically dragged him there. When the three arrived, they were confused to find the Captain sitting in a chair with an ice pack held to his right eye. When questioned what happened, he indicated with his head towards the fight taking place between Scotty and Chekov, and the broken glasses littering the floor.

"They're drunk." Spock's statement was straight to the point.

Jim's response took little effort when he said, "Yep."

"You got our Chief Engineer and our Russian wiz-kid drunk! And _fighting_? How the hell did you do that?" Bones' comment came out more of a screech then his usually calm, southern drawl in these matters.

_"Come cazzo si fa a gestire sempre di fare questo?" _Nyota asked in Italian. Jim, McCoy, and Spock looked at Nyota in confusion. "What?" Nyota asked. "I'm a xenolinguist. I speak many different languages, and right now I feel I should use one."

Leonard shrugged turning back to Kirk. Spock held Uhura's gaze for a moment longer, almost in a questioning way, before turning around to face Jim. Spock was about to say something, but was interrupted by Scotty.

"Go take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut, ya bampot!"

Chekov responded by shouting in Russian, "Mne vse ravno, chto vy dumayete, vy perdet'! (Мне все равно, что вы думаете, вы пердеть!)"

"Say dat to ma face, ya mukker!" Scotty's face was starting to turn red from all of the screaming, but he grabbed Chekov and held him in a tight full nelson. Chekov's face reminded McCoy of a blowfish because it was puffing out oddly, except they didn't turn purple.

"Spock! Get in there and do something, or else there won't be anybody left for me to help!" The doctor pushed the half-Vulcan towards the wrestling pile of manliness, knowing that he didn't like to be touched. Spock put one hand on their shoulders and pulled them apart. After moments of trying to get them to settle, Spock resorted to a Vulcan nerve pinch.

As soon as they two men fell to the ground in very undignified heaps, McCoy, Spock, and Uhura turned around to find Jim Kirk trying to sneak out of the room.

"_JIM! _Get your ass in that chair right now before I set the Vulcan on you!"

"Doctor. There is no logical way to _set_ me on the Captain. Yet if there was, I highly doubt that I would comply." Spock was going to add more about how illogical humans were, but was silenced with a glare from Uhura.

McCoy ignored the couple and turned back to Jim. "What the hell happened?And tell me the truth this time, not some random crap about how you just walked in here like you normally do to get out of a conversation. We all know that it's a bunch of bullshit!"

Jim sighed before responding. "Remember that planet we went to a couple of days ago? NuCeti Prime? 'Course you do. We were all there. I almost got us into an intergalactic war. Well, while we were there, the locals gave me a bottle of their wine. They said, _'Yede que noge tihe ase che bage lige. Pefe te. Poye jise nahe jike wne, loge tine lige rehe kike_,' whatever that means. Man, it helps being a genius when you need to remember something. I only knew that it was safe to consume, because I saw a bunch of people drinking it."

Kirk opened his mouth to say something more, but Uhura cut him off. "Jim. They basically told you not to drink too much at a time. Wait. How much did Scotty and Chekov drink?"

The Captain rubbed his face before answering, "4 or 5 glasses. About this big." Jim held his hands six inches apart, his right over his left. Jim gave the group a lopsided grin that brought them to the conclusion that Jim was quite drunk. "I also had a few."

"Computer," Spock said. "Analyze remedies for local liqueurs from the planet, NuCeti Prime."

The computer answered that there were 138 results.

"Narrow down side-effects to a need for physical contact and anger." Spock looked out among the rest of the group, seeing if anyone had anything else to add.

"Don't forget to add shortness of breath, slow heartbeat, and nausea." Bones added in some health issues from where he was kneeling next to the two men and trying not to fall into a pool of vomit.

"1 result found: _Jime. _Locals believe that _Jime_ was a gift from their God, only to be used in welcoming travelers and at special events. It is unhealthy to have more than one glass, for the side-effects can cause long lasting issues for species other than the NuCetians. Ways to prevent headaches and after-effects, include, sleep, cold water, and physical stimuli. Please note that aggressiveness has been recorded in some patients."

"Well that explains why they were fighting. Someone go grab an Ensign to help me haul these two to sickbay." Jim started to smile as Bones finished talking. He might have gotten away with no annoying lecture from Bones about how idiotic Jim could be. His excitement was short lived though.

"Do not think that you are still free to go. As soon as these two are down in sickbay and all situated, I'm going to have a lot of questions that you are not going to be able to get out of." With a glare from Kirk at his punishment, McCoy stormed off.

Jim sank lower into the chair he was sitting on, and put his head in his hands. "You guys aren't going to yell at me are you? 'Cause I have a splitting headache and I need no other cause. I mean, do you know how hard it is to keep a headache from Bones? If he found out, I'd probably be down in sickbay with him and Scotty and Chekov. And right now, I can't take that."

"I will not _yell _at you because I believe that you, as you humans say, _'got what you deserved.'" _Spock gave his captain one last glace before walking out of the room with Uhura in tow.

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**Oh jeeze! It's been 4 or 5 whole weeks since I last updated. Goodness me oh my. Well here is chapter 4. By the way. I took so long because I was on vacation and family came to visit. What can you do? Here are the translations for up above. Sorry if they are incorrect. I don't really speak any of these languages. Except NuCetian. **

**Translations: **

**Come cazzo si fa a gestire sempre di fare questo? - **_**How the fuck do you always manage to do this? **_

**Go take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut, ya bampot. - **_**I'm not persuaded by your argument, you idiot. **_

**Mne vse ravno, chto vy dumayete, vy perdet'. (Мне все равно, что вы думаете, вы пердеть.) - **_**I don't care what you think, you fart. **_

**Mukker - **_**Friend**_

**Yede que noge tihe ase che bage lige. Pefe te. Poye jise nahe jike wne, loge tine lige rehe kike. - **_**Here is some wine for you to drink. Be careful. It has many side effects, so don't drink too much.***_

***Please note: All words end with the sound - ay. **


	5. Tell Me Everything

**Author's Note: So I had a bit of difficulty getting that last chapter up. I admit that I could have done it in a much more reasonable amount of time. But I am, unfortunately, a procrastinator. I just had so many brain farts last chapter that I will try to make this one simple. **

**Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. Only the idea. The characters all belong to Gene Roddenberry, J.J. Abrams, and Paramount Pictures. **

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Sick Bay was getting calls from all over the ship. This blackout was causing all sorts of issues and Doctor McCoy was becoming annoyed. He had no idea what was going on because every time he tried to contact Engineering, nothing would go through. Leonard was about to go down to talk to Scotty himself when Jim walked in. His hand was burned–from what McCoy had no idea.

Jim! What the hell did you do?!"

"Bones. I might have had a little mishap down in Engineering."

Doctor McCoy arched a brow, curious more so to what Jim was leaving out from his story than what was being said.

"Okay," Jim sighed. "So while I was up on the bridge, I got bored so I went down to Engineering to help Scotty with one of the control panels for the auxiliary axial replication node when I accidentally put two of the wrong wires together. It kind of messed up the dynamic particle deflector scanner, which in turn messed with the power and lights." Jim paused, catching his breath before quickly jumping back in where he left off. "When the power went off, the thrusters also got shut down. So right now, we're like sitting ducks. Spock and Chekov are down in Engineering right now, trying to help Scotty. Listen, if I can go help Scotty with fixing the stuff that _I_ messed up, than maybe…"

"Oh no, James Tiberius Kirk, you are going to sit your ass down on that bed until I wrap your hand and make sure you have no other injuries that you might be trying to hide from me." McCoy pushed Kirk down onto the bed and grabbed a hypo spray. Jim started to back away when he saw it, but McCoy cornered him.

"It's just a mild sedative," McCoy said with an almost sinister-like smile.

"I wish I didn't know you."

"Don't be such an infant." McCoy jabbed Kirk with the hypo.

"Ow! How long's it supposed to..." Jim's sentence trailed off into silence as the sedative in the hypo kicked in and his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Unbelievable." Bones shook his head.

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**I know this was a short chapter. It was meant to be. Stay tuned for the next chapter to see what Kirk's going to do. **

**p.s. Kudos to those who saw the quotes from the 2009 movie. **

**Auxiliary Axial Replication Node***

**Dynamic Particle Deflector Scanner***

***Technobabble ;) **


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